I feel really weird. - Its a little hard to focus. I feel funny. My farts are extra smelly. I feel kinda floaty, a little like the ground inside my head isn't level.\n\nIf you were trying to eat dinner inside my head all the food would slowly drift to the left. The ground just isn't level. I can't find my footing. No one else seems to be able to tell that the ground isn't right. \n\nI don't know if I like this feeling- but I do feel really positive. I feel good about life. I feel relaxed. My eyes feel a little glazed over, but that sensation comes and goes. I smile extra big in my eyes. I feel like I'm laughing at a joke that isn't very funny and I don't know why. \n\nI should do something.\n\ndo work\n[[get a glass of water|feeling it2]]\n[[get a snack|feeling it2]]\n[[go to the bathroom|feeling it2]]\n[[check your personal email|feeling it2]]\n
I'm tyiping and typing. I have another meeting. \n\nWhat happened in that meeting? How did the time go by so quickly. I was so caught up in this. My brain processes things slightly differently right now. I can feel the difference, and I can perceive the difference but I can't really articulate the difference. \n\nI should go to this open mic. Time to leave work and [[head out|home]].
Its a much shorter walk to the R train. I definitely saved some time, but I didn't get any exercise in. I need to buy new pants, I can barely fit into any of my old ones anymore. Why can't I join a gym, or do anything that gives me physical exercise? I should have walked, you lazy piece of crap. \n\nI'm on the platform. My hands dart into my bag and feel for the pill bottle. Got 'em. At least I did one thing right. \n\nHere comes the train. Better [[get on it|train]].
I'm walking up the stairs. Above ground my pocket vibrates. The text is from Mom. \n<html><h1>\nHappy new year! Shanah tovah!\n</h1></html>\nI forgot it was rosh hashonah. I guess the beginning of a new year is the perfect time to start new things. I wish I knew what year it is. \n\n[[Go in|elevator]] the building
Time passes.\n\nIt's showtime. Time to go [[on stage|show]]
I'm laying in bed now.\n\nOh god what did I do with her email address. I can't remember it. I hope I didn't lose it. I put that business card down somewhere, but I can't remember where I put it. [[What else happened today?|home]]
<<silently>>\n<<set $game = 0>>\n<<endsilently>>\nThe alarm clock reads 7:45 AM\n\nI woke up with a pounding headache. Why did I get so messed up last night? I drank so much at the show and I didn't stop. The band was ok. Maybe it was nerves. I don't know what today is going to be like.\n\nMy stomach makes sound like a pissed off cat dropped an octave down. There's an empty pizza box by the headboard. [[I feel disgusting.|bed]]
I'm talking to my friend and everything's fine but I'm acting like a mall goth. That's not me. [[Time to snap out of it|sulk]] but [[I'm covered in a foggy haze.|haze]]
\nIt's late and I'm tired. What the heck happened on my way home. Other things happened today I just can't remember them. \n\n[[The open mic|open mic]]\n[[Mom|mom phone]]\n[[Cartoons|cartoons]]\n[[The baby|baby]]\n[[Flirting|flirt]]\n[[Clean|clean]]\n\n\nTime to go to [[sleep|act2]]
At least my OCD is better. I'm not fixating on stupid shit like I used to. Better to stay on the meds. I've cleaned up some of my act. Maybe I am sitting two feet away from my actual self, watching me go through the motions, but now I have fingernails and I don't rehearse made up fights with my mom in my head. I will float on, through life, waiting to come back to myself. \n\nThe end.
The baby has a little tactile book that is squashy and has something rubbery and textured to go with it; one page says "I love you" when you open it. \n\nMeredith got so excited about that page- I had to remind her that it doesn't really mean that, it says the same thing to everyone. That made things weird for everyone. Whatever. [[I liked the joke|home]].
How did it get so late?\n\nI think I might be ready for to be happy again…I have so many reasons to look forward to tomorrow. \n
I feel really weird. - Its a little hard to focus. I feel funny. My farts are extra smelly. I feel kinda floaty, a little like the ground inside my head isn't level.\n\nIf you were trying to eat dinner inside my head all the food would slowly drift to the left. The ground just isn't level. I can't find my footing. No one else seems to be able to tell that the ground isn't right. \n\nI don't know if I like this feeling- but I do feel really positive. I feel good about life. I feel relaxed. My eyes feel a little glazed over, but that sensation comes and goes. I smile extra big in my eyes. I feel like I'm laughing at a joke that isn't very funny and I don't know why. \n\nI should do something.\n\ndo work\n[[get a glass of water|feeling it3]]\n[[get a snack|feeling it3]]\n[[go to the bathroom|feeling it3]]\n[[check your personal email|feeling it3]]\n[[tweet |feeling it3]]\n
The sun is burning my eyes. \n\nIt's not helping my headache either. What did I do with my sunglasses? I wish I knew where those were. No time to look for them now. I'm already out the door. I can't go back. \n\nI could walk to the [[F train|f train]], it's a little bit further away but it's pretty much the only exercise I get anymore. I could take the [[R train|r train]], it's much closer but I'll have to transfer eventually.
I'm hosting a show at a fancy hotel. This is pretty sweet. Why am I so upset? I feel incredibly sad. I think it's this room. It has a gothic quality to it, high ceilings, deep red paint, an old piano, a chandelier- Now I remember. The last time I was here…I ended that relationship. Who am I? What have I turned into? I think about myself so much, and what has it gotten me. \n\n[[Think about it more|thinkshow]]\nDon't think about it\n
It's Wednesday - time for band practice. Even that can't get me out of my funk.\n\nThe next morning I see my psychiatrist. I need to need to make a decision. Should I [[stay on the medication|stayon]] or should I [[stop taking it|stop]]? \n\n
The elevator is empty. \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n[[Hit the button|work]] and go to work.
My roommate just left the the house in a huff- \n\nShe's out the door so quickly its crazy. Did I say anything about her when I was on the phone with my mom? I was standing right outside her door. \n\nI would definitely worry about this if I wasn't on medication right now. Whatever- [[I'm just gonna enjoy my show|home]].
Maybe I can just work through this. I'll still have a good show. No, everything is cloudy now. Blue tinted and slightly under-saturated. But I'm about to go on stage! But I'm a hack who hurts everyone around himself! Isn't this what you asked for, Alex? Isn't this what you dreamed of? They say it's lonely at the top, but now I know it's lonely at every rung below. This sucks. \n\n[[Fuck up the show|doshow]]\n[[Go home|timepass]]
I talked to Mom on the phone. She talks a lot about something I don't care about. She talks about how when she was on Prozac she couldn't feel real feelings anymore and someone else she knows just split up and the husband was on prozac and became emotionally unavailable.\n\nWait [[grandma|grandma]] is calling\n\n
That's ridiculous, she's not flirting, I'm just reading into it wrong. She's not going to come to my show. \n\nWait, no that's what you would have thought if I hadn't taken my medication. That's definitely where my brain would have gone. \n\n[[She is definitely going to come to the show|home]].
<html>I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. <strong color="red">If I take a shower I'll be late.</strong> I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. <strong>If I eat breakfast I'll be late</strong> I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. [[I'm going to be late.|Start]] I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. <h2><strong>I'm not supposed to take those pills on an empty stomach.</h2></strong>I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late. I'm going to be late</html> I'll just have to [[grab the pill bottle and rush out of here|time to go]].
My First Day On Medication
Oh man, I accidentally left a bottle of febreeze out after cleaning up from my party the other night, my roommate is going to think that was some kind of passive aggressive message for her to clean the fuck up.\n\nShe's going to think I'm pissed off at her. I mean she could be cleaner, but its [[not really that big of a deal|home]]. \n\n
I felt totally off - but the show still went ok. I know its all in my head - and there's so much coming up this month. I should be happier. I know I should be happier. On paper things are good. Ok, let's [[focus on the positive. Get excited about everything going on in your life!|doshow]] no point in [[sulking around for no reason.|sulk]]
No, I can't take this any more. I've lived with my OCD for 26 years without giving it a name and been happy, it's only now that I've confronted it that I've learned what a part of my personality it is.\n\nAt least I'll be the same person I was, I don't' like what this drug has done to me. Turned me into a high functioning robot, able to perform the mundane tasks of life with great accuracy. I want to experience all parts of life, I do not want to take the soma. I will go to the reservation. I think I can do this on my own.\n\nIf I try hard enough…\n\n\n\n\n\nThe end.
Joyce: "No it's been cancelled indefinitely. Too few people were turning up. Do you know anyone who wants to host an open mic?\n\nDo you want to host an open mic? Let's set up a meeting. Email me."\n\nMe: Yes of course! That's awesome!\n\n[[Go home|joyce2]]
\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nI fell asleep on the train\n\n\nand [[wake up|text]] a few stops away from work. \n\n
I talked to grandma on the phone. I tried some of my jokes on her. \n\nAre you old enough to remember Ronco? My dad used to invent stuff for them in the 70's. Their motto was "Just set it…and forget it"…which also turned out to be his style of parenting. It actually was a compliment because my Mom's style of parenting was just set it…and call it every 15 minutes to see if's eaten lately. Are you hungry? Oh honey I would be so proud of you if you were on broadway. \n\nGrandma says: "That's not funny, [[that's just true|home]]."
I saw my old boss at the office. She's about the same age as me, maybe older than me by less than a year. \n\nShe showed up from europe with a baby. It was crazy. I wanted to be mad at her for being married and having a kid so young but she seemed so happy. And her baby is really cute. And needs a lot of attention. I'm glad I don't change anyone's diapers, I can barely keep up with my physical therapy.\n\n[[Make a joke|baby2]]
I feel really weird. - Its a little hard to focus. I feel funny. My farts are extra smelly. I feel kinda floaty, a little like the ground inside my head isn't level.\n\nIf you were trying to eat dinner inside my head all the food would slowly drift to the left. The ground just isn't level. I can't find my footing. No one else seems to be able to tell that the ground isn't right. \n\nI don't know if I like this feeling- but I do feel really positive. I feel good about life. I feel relaxed. My eyes feel a little glazed over, but that sensation comes and goes. I smile extra big in my eyes. I feel like I'm laughing at a joke that isn't very funny and I don't know why. \n\nI should do something.\n\ndo work\n[[get a glass of water|feeling it4]]\n[[get a snack|feeling it4]]\n[[go to the bathroom|feeling it4]]\n[[check your personal email|feeling it4]]\n[[tweet|feeling it4]]\n[[text mom|feeling it4]]
This is awesome, I might have a chance with this girl--and she's smart and funny and drop dead gorgeous. \n\nI'm going to try not to [[jerk off|home]] right now.
I feel really weird. - Its a little hard to focus. I feel funny. My farts are extra smelly. I feel kinda floaty, a little like the ground inside my head isn't level.\n\nIf you were trying to eat dinner inside my head all the food would slowly drift to the left. The ground just isn't level. I can't find my footing. No one else seems to be able to tell that the ground isn't right. \n\nI don't know if I like this feeling- but I do feel really positive. I feel good about life. I feel relaxed. My eyes feel a little glazed over, but that sensation comes and goes. I smile extra big in my eyes. I feel like I'm laughing at a joke that isn't very funny and I don't know why. \n\nI should do something.\n\n[[go home|leave work]]
A glass of water and a gulp later it's all over. Time passes. I need to go to this [[meeting|feeling it]]. \n\n
Here's a scene with Joyce. She owns the cafe. She says the open mic has been cancelled0\n\nMe: [[Just for today?|joyce1]]\n\n
<html>\n<p algin=center>Intermission</p>\n<br/>\n<br/>\n<br/>\n<br/>\n<br/>\n<br/>\n<h2>LET TIME PASS</h2>\n</html>\n[[LET TIME PASS|timepass]]
I sit down in front of the computer. It's now or never. I'm supposed to take these things in the morning, and I've got some food in the office kitchen. \n\nTime to [[take the pills|take pills]] or chicken out like a [[little chicken boy|elevator]]
The alarm clock reads 7:55\n\nA bottle of pills sits on the nightstand. They are unopened. \n\nI want to [[sleep 5 more minutes|Start]] but I really need to [[wake up|wake up]]
I flirted online with a girl. I was always kinda into her, but it never even got a chance to happen. Now she's being really friendly. \n\nShe says might come to my show! I'm not sure if I should [[believe|believe]] it or [[not|don'tbelieve]]\n
My eyes adjust to the sunlight. Barely. It's warm out, but no longer humid. Thank God, I was sweating so much last week. Maybe soon I can put on a sweater. My body is sluggish getting to the platform, it probably would have been a little bit faster to take the R and transer. I should have done that, you stupid idiot. You're going to be late.\n\nI'm on the platform. My hands dart into my bag and feel for the pill bottle. Got 'em. Good.\n\nHere comes the train. Better [[get on it|train]].
It's nice to just relax and watch TV.\n\nI can't get enough of this show- Dr. Katz. It's nice to relax. \nI think I [[hear|cartoon 2]] a door opening.
I cleaned my entire kitchen. I don't even know why. I'm just in a good mood and I want to start makin things nicer. Stop living in such a gross, [[dirty apartment|febreeze]].
Alex Fleming